


I’m still breathing and I won't stop even if my heart aches

by Strawberry_Cake



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Author!Yuuri, Figure Skater!Viktor, I'm going to add tags as the story progresses so I don't spoil anything, Just there will be a lot domestic fluff later cuz I need it!, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, kinda world build, past bullying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-05 03:26:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10296431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawberry_Cake/pseuds/Strawberry_Cake
Summary: A story following Yuuri's life. Yuuri trying to avoid socializing with any human being except for his family (Minako and Phichit), visiting the school, meeting Viktor, falling in love with Viktor and building a relationship with Viktor. Also he is trying to not freak out since his first book is a big hit and his name slowly gets popular (Storyboard is done but I feel like I don't know where this is going..)I will try to upload every two weeks (failed) but I can't promise anything. So I hope you can bear with me. （⌒▽⌒ゞ





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Ah I'm a little rusty but I hope whoever reads this fic enjoys it at least a little bit.
> 
> Though I must admit I'm not very happy with the Prologue. I have re-written it at least three times, I think. But I really liked working on the storyboard and thinking up all the places that will appear in this fic. So like I've said this is the Prologue, it's the "future" (the presence in this universe) and very slow.. I've started working on the first chapter already but it's not even half way done and I don't know when it will be finished. Hopefully it will take me two weeks like I've orginally planned but I often have to work overtime and also need time to study for my final exams. o(；△；)o I'm pretty sure I can't update regularly.

The rustling of blankets filled the otherwise quiet room as the figure in the king-sized bed awoke slowly. Opening their eyes, they closed them as soon as the sun’s rays, shining through the opening in the curtains, blinded them. Groaning they turned around just to be greeted by the empty view of the other side of the bed. Once again they closed their eyes with a soft sigh leaving their lips, thinking about to fall back into the secure arms of sleep as something soft nudge them. Blinking. Chocolate brown eyes met chocolate brown eyes. “Makka—“They stopped mid-sentences. No, that wasn’t Makkachin. Makkachin was long gone, buried in the garden behind the house.

They sat up, rubbing the reminders of sleep with the back of their wrinkled hands. “Is it time for your morning walk, Ryuuchin?” A tired smile appeared on their face as they looked up and talked to the brown poodle. With a happy bark and a wiggle of his tail the brown poodle leapt of the bed and left the room. Confirmation that yes it was time for the poodles morning walk. And a faint bark telling his owner that they should hurry up.

The figure, still in bed, chuckled lowly while looking at the bedroom door where the poodle, known as Ryuuchin, disappeared to. They grabbed their phone from the nightstand first, looking at the date.

“November 29th…”

That would explain the several messages they had gotten over night. Scrolling through them they stopped when seeing a very dear name to them. Telling them to call as soon as they wake up. A quick message that they will be going on a morning walk first and call afterwards was sent before they got out of bed, getting ready for the now impatient poodle that already came back bouncing and barking around the other figure. They gave the dog a playful smile, running a hand through their messy grey hair “Sorry for making you wait but I’m not young and energetic anymore so bear with me for a little longer please.” As if he understood Ryuuchin barked one more time and ran back to the front door, leaving his owner for their morning routine.

 

* * *

 

 

For an autumn morning it was quite nice so the walk turned out longer than intended. The sun was warming them up while the colorful leaves danced in the gentle breeze. Ryuuchin seemed to enjoy the surprisingly long walk as much as his owner by chasing the dancing leaves. They would have let the poodle run around a little more so he could get out more of that steam that young dogs like him have, but their guilt had them to break off the walk. There was still a dear friend of them waiting for their call. One did not let their best friend wait. Never. So they let out a low whistle, waiting for the poodle to turn back to them to put the leash back on, and went home.

On their way back they also grabbed breakfast from the café not far away from their home. The small café had not always been their first choice but it was his favorite place so somehow after all this years they had found themselves growing fond of the place. So with a bagel and a sweet muffin they left the café and carried their way home on.

It wasn’t long before they opened the front door to their home, being greeted by the ever present silence, and unleashed Ryuuchin, watching the dog disappear in the safety of their home. They took out their phone and scrolled through their contacts until reaching the name they were looking for. They pressed the call button next to the name and prepared breakfast, which consisted of getting a mug with the face of a poodle that looked like Ryuuchin to make coffee, while they wait for the other person to accept the call. As always they didn’t have to wait long before they were greeted with a cheerful at the same time whining “Yuuuuri, you let me wait. Why this?” Chuckling the figure, known as Yuuri, sat down with his poodle mug full with caffeined water to enjoy his breakfast. Perhaps they should have gotten tea instead of coffee but _he_ always liked coffee.

“I’m sorry, my dearest friend. I was thinking about how I deserved someone like you that I haven’t realized how much time past. “ He paused for a moment, sipping on his cup of coffee, when the small smile that had graced his lips weakened. “I’m still not used to wake up to an empty bed, Phichit.” He had mumbled the last part that it was evident he hadn’t intended to say it out loud.

There was a moment of silence before Phichit continued, ignoring the unintentionally uttered words. “I had messaged you already but I also and definitely want to be the first to tell you in person or well on the phone: Happy Birthday!! Congratulation on another year of beautiful friendship with the loveable me.” The cheerful voice of his friend dropped a little as he added. “I’m sorry I can’t be there with you. Though just one word from you and I’m gonna book the next flight! I swear I will do it!”

“No!” The refusal was louder than intended. “I mean I would really like to have you around, Phichit, but your grandchildren visit you rarely. You should enjoy the short time you have with them instead of bothering with an old man like me.” He took a deep breath. “Also I’m pretty sure Yuri will be visiting later. You know how he is. He would never let me have a peaceful day just for myself.” Yuuri joked and could hear his friend laughing. He waited until Phichit calmed down before he added. “Like I’ve told you I’m fine. Go and enjoy your time with your grandchildren and let me have my breakfast in peace.”

“Alright alright, old man!” There was a weak giggle. “If, and I’m saying here ‘if’, you need anything call me. Don’t hesitate to call me, Yuuri, I’m here for you. Even if you just need to listen to someone’s breathing I’m here, buddy. I will breath down the receiver so hard until you are able to fall asleep without troubles.”

“… That’s actually creepy.” He was failing to hold back his laughter. “Goodbye, Phichit!”

“Goodbye, my only and true platonic love!”

Even though Phichit had hung up already he still held his phone against his ear, biting his lower lip. No matter what he had told his friend on the phone he would have been more at ease with him around. He didn’t want to be alone but he also didn’t want to be a burden to his friends. Finally hanging up, since the sound started hurting in his ear, Yuuri finally checked the messages he had gotten and replied to them until he stumbled over the newest message. A glance to the time told him he had gotten the message during the call with Phichit.

_Don’t you dare to go out tonight (ಠ益ಠ) I’m gonna visit you later so you are not allowed to have other plans!!!!!!_

Yuuri pressed his lips to a thin line and typed a short message. _Using emoticons at your age is not cute at all._

He put his phone away, ignoring it for now, and turned the TV off which he had turned on before he had started his breakfast though he hadn’t really payed attention to the flickering images. It had probably been some sports news since he had watched figure skating the night before. Yuuri always had the sports channel on even though he wasn’t interested in sports. It was just so comforting, making him think that _he_ was here with him.

With a sigh he leaned back on the couch and looked up to the ceiling. What was he supposed to do if he wasn’t allowed to have any plans? His gaze shifted to the photo albums that were still spread around on the table. Well he had a ridiculous midday routine so why stop it? Sucking his chapped lower lip between his teeth Yuuri grabbed the photo albums from the table and opened up the first one. They were in a special order and he would look at them every day in this order. From the beginning to the end of the story. Their story. A far too short but lovely story.

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile while looking at the picture on the first page. It was a picture of a young, nerdy and awkward looking man on his first day at his new school, the academy of arts. In the background was the ice rink of the school shown with the skating students in front of the building. Between the students was one student that could even snatch the attention of everyone looking at the picture just by loafing around in the background. Though the boy in the front hadn’t noticed the platinum blond – almost silver – haired beauty in that moment. Absentmindedly Yuuris index finger stroke over the figure of the student in the background. His eyes filled with longing as he remembered the exact moment the picture was taken and the exact moment when he had laid his eyes on the other and thought ah yes this must have been what he was looking for. What he had been missing.


	2. Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What he saw took his breath away instantly. There in the middle of the studio was the personification of beauty dancing, twirling around him and owning the music with his body in imperfect ballet steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahahaha... nope. I knew it would take me longer than planned to write down the first chapter but more than a month. (*ﾟｰﾟ)ゞ  
> Next chapter will probably take even longer since my final exams are in May and I should be studying right now---- 
> 
> I feel like I've rushed at the end to finish this but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

The Academia of Arts, the most prestigious school in the whole world for any kind of art, located in Europe. The classes vary from classical & digital art, sculpting (any kind of material), to music, to poesy & writing, to designing fashion, acting, to artistic sports like dancing, figure skating, Acrobatic riding etc. even cooking and baking had their place at the Academia of Arts. There were classes for any kind of artistic activity at this school.  
To be able to offer so many classes some would need a lot of space logically. Actually to be able to provide education starting from primary school to university some would need more than a lot of space. Space that the Academia of Arts had, and took advantage of to mold and educate future artists.

There were three different school buildings. One building was for primary school, where the students started with regular education while they still had to put their focus on their primary major. Except for the classes of their chosen major the students from different departments were not divided at the primary school. The second and the biggest building held the middle and high school. Starting with middle school the education system took a little change. The students chose their majors, they were allowed to choose a second major if it wouldn't affect their performance and disturbed their focus on their chosen primary major, and got a schedule according to their choices. It was also the beginning of their career as artists. Preparations for Competitions and participations in these Competitions were on the agenda. And the last building was for the ambitious students who wanted to get a high degree in their chosen field.  
Every department had a supervisor who managed everything to help out and to decrease the workload for the headmaster.

Next to the different school buildings there were the dorms that held students from all over the world. Every striving artist, from every part of the world, wanted to get the highly praised education the Academia offered so dorms were necessary since the Academia of Arts was also secluded. Of course they were very selective and paid a lot of attention to the students who applied for a spot to get the highly desired education. Though only the most talented and promising candidates had the chance to get a spot.  
However the fees were very costly so only wealthy offsprings could afford to study at the Academia of Arts. The current headmaster of the school, Yakov Feltsman, had detected this problem long before he became the headmaster and found a solution to be able to give the growing artist that couldn’t effort the fees the same education as the higher class. His solution came in form of a scholarship. As soon as he became the headmaster of the school he carried out his solution. However one couldn’t just apply for a scholarship. Yakov Feltsman himself would select the students who were worthy of a scholarship at his praised school. For his choice he would observe every region; every contest till someone was able to catch his attention. Till he had found an unpolished diamond he could mold into the next biggest hit.

So here he was now. Katsuki Yuuri. He was sitting across from the headmaster Yakov Feltsman who had a stern expression on his wrinkled face. Next to Yuuri was his ballet instructor and close family friend Minako Okukawa. Her hair pulled up into a bun, she had said that it was just in case they ran into Madame Baranovskaya, an old friend of her and an awfully disciplined ballet instructor at the Academia of Arts, and she was currently engaged in a conversation with Mr. Feltsman. Since she had studied at the Academia of Arts in her youth and was fluent in English, Yuuri's parents had decided that she has to accompany him. Even though he could have managed by himself, since his English was even better than Minako’s, he still felt relieved that she was here with him and took over the talking; deciding his future with Mr. Feltsman for him, also Yuuri was still underage, not like he could have traveled by himself.  
He knew it was his future and he had to contribute something. Anything. At least agree with them, whatever they were talking about, with a nod when they looked at him; though it was only Minako who glanced at him every now and then Mr. Feltsman hadn’t looked at him since the mumbled greeting. He also hadn't said anything since then. He didn’t even glance at the man in front of him, not even when he had greeted him. Eyes fixed on the ground; sweaty hands on his knees, his trousers were already feeling damp, lower lip between his teeth. It was overwhelming for Yuuri. Just yesterday he was an ordinary 15-years old boy (with a lot of luck it seemed) and now he was sitting across from Yakov Feltsman, at an exclusive school while his ballet instructor talked with the man who was going to decide over Yuuri’s life for at least the next three years. He was on the edge. His breath has quickened. He really hoped that Minako or the headmaster hadn't noticed it yet.

They were a great distance off from Hasetsu, from the safe walls of his room, the familiar environments of his family's onsen. If Yuuri seriously considered enrolling at the Academia of Arts he had to move to a dorm room, probably with a roommate. Someone he didn't know. Someone who could be like his old classmates. Before it got too much for him, too hard to breath, he took a deep, silent breath and tried to gulp down the rising anxiety while doing so he tasted something metallic on his tongue. Great, he had chewed too hard on his already chapped lip that it was bleeding. Casting a glance at Minako Yuuri raised one of his hands to his lip to wipe off the blood with the sleeve of his dark blue sweater without her noticing. She wasn't paying any attention to him, still engrossed in a heated conversation with Mr. Feltsman. Were they actually fighting? Perhaps Yuuri should at least try to listen to them. It was about him and his future after all.

Without attracting Minako's attention he wiped the sleeve of his sweater over his mouth again, getting rid of any evidence of bloody chewed lips. According to Minako he had to keep a neat appearance since he was her protégé and even if he had decided to take another path in life he was still a "prima ballerina". And who was he to argue with her? Not only could she get damn scary and passionate to make a point but as soon as he had done his first steps so many years ago she was there and drilled the art of ballet into him until even the way he slumped and stumbled looked graceful. Thinking about the love and support his ballet instructor gave him all those years and helped him calm his nerves down, Yuuri should try to repay her kindness by choosing dance as his second major... IF he decided to enroll of course. But who was he kidding? It was an honor to get an invitation from the headmaster himself. Also his parents wouldn't have to worry and wouldn’t have to pay for his education. No one would or could refuse a chance like this. Even when Yuuri thought all of this was just a big mistake since he wasn't anything special. He didn't understand why someone would offer him a chance like this. Why Mr. Feltsman would offer him a spot in his renowned school. All he did was writing down his feelings without thinking much about it because it was sort of a therapy he and his therapist came up with a few years ago. It was after he had had a full blown panic attack on a school play Minako had choreographed. Mixed up with guilt, Minako and everyone else from his ballet class had worked so much and he had ruined the whole play, he started hyperventilating and tearing up. It had been so hard to breath he was sure he was going to faint or suffocate.

Slowly breathing in and out Yuuri closed his eyes for a moment. His hands trembled, unable to stop them, he started moving his fingers just slightly as if he was typing on a keyboard, mentally writing a short story about what he was feeling right in that moment. It was about a girl who moved out to experience the wide world, excited at first, but with the uncertainty of the future and unfamiliar environment and unfamiliar faces the excitement wore off and she realized she was all alone and had no one to rely on. Self-doubts. What would the future bring? Would she be able to do it? Bear it? Or would she crumble under the pressure?

Straightening his back Yuuri looked up for the first time he entered the office. His brown eyes locked with Mr. Feltsman, a determined look on his face. He could do this. He was already in the last year of middle school so three years of high school shouldn't be a problem. He might end up liking it here, might end up getting along with his dorm mate and he could visit the university. He had a scholarship after all and Yuuri was determined to not lose this privilege; was determined to take advantage of the privilege served on a silver platter for him. Minako and headmaster Feltsman seemed to notice the change of atmosphere around him and stopped talking to glance at him. Yuuri was ready to take part on the discussion. Mr. Feltsman had seemed to sense this since he was the first to break the short silence that overtook the room.

"What do you say, Yuuri, do you want to trust me with your education and enroll in the Academia of Arts? I’m sure with our guidance you can improve in no time." His eyes had softened and there was even a hint of a smile on his lips.

Yuuri hadn't had to think about it. No matter how scary this was, no matter how afraid he was he wanted this. He needed this for himself. Yuuri had already decided before flying all the way over to Europe. His clothes and precious possessions were already packed and waiting for him just next to the close door of the headmaster's office. But Mr. Feltsman was giving him a last chance to back off since he knew. He knew Yuuri's past, the bullying, and the violence of his past classmates. He knew that Yuuri was being schooled at the familiarity of his home since he was ten. He also knew that Yuuri hadn't left his home since then. Yakov Feltsman had already contacted Yuuri's parents last year with the offer when Yuuri had won his first international writing competition. Writing for the first time in foreign language and taking part in an international competition. Yuuri had already won all the national competitions. Year for year he was surprising the judge with new deep plotlines; mostly about mental health issues or other heavy topics like bullying (of course fitting to the subject of the competition).

It took him months to get comfortable with the idea of leaving his home and even longer to actually set a foot outside the front door. His therapist had cried when they saw Yuuri wearing casual clothes and outside even if it was in front of the front door at that time. He had been terrified but seeing his therapist smiling teary and telling him that that was their biggest accomplishment in their career warmed Yuuri's inside with affection. So giving a chance to back off was actually very kind of Mr. Feltsman but if Yuuri didn't take this opportunity he would never leave Hasetsu, probably would never get over his fears and he didn't want to burden the loving people around him anymore. The people who gave him so much support and understanding. He couldn't and wouldn't burden them anymore. He had to take this chance and finally move on. He wanted to. He also wanted to show them, the people supporting him, that all their efforts weren't in vain; that their patience with him wasn’t in vain. He wanted to show them that he was going to be okay. Yuuri parted his lips and breathed out a soft "Yes!" Furrowing his eyebrows he tried again. Firmer and with more determination in his tone "Yes!!"

That seemed to please headmaster Feltsman. Minako was giving him a pleased look as well. She was smiling at him and there was so much affection in her eyes. So much like a mother’s loving gaze at their kid; a Look so familiar to Yuuri. Minako was like a second mother for him. Not only did he grow up with her around Yuuri also had spent all of his free time practicing with Minako. First in her studio, later at her ballet class with other students and later in the old, unused banquet room his family turned into a ballet studio for him. She was always there for him like his own mother. She listened to her, she held him in her arms when he cried, and she helped him calm his nerves down right before a panic attack. Minako truly was the best godmother he could have wished for.

Yuuri turned his eyes back to the headmaster, parting his lips while playing with the sleeves of his sweater nervously. "I would also like to take dance as my second major. I can guarantee that it won't interfere with my literature studies." He made a quick motion with his hand towards Minako. "Madame Okukawa, my ballet instructor, can confirm this."

Did he sound too formal? Yuuri could feel small drops of sweat slowly making its way down the side of his face. It was really happening. He knew it would happen when he entered the airplane but... it was happening. Yuuri suppressed the urge to panic, because it was actually happening, when headmaster Yakov gave him an affirmation that yes he could take a second major and that he would arrange everything with Madam Baranovskaya. After he had turned his gaze back to Minako and they went over the paperwork. That was Yuuri's sign to tune out and take care of his inner turmoil or better ignore it until he could get back on his laptop (or get a paper and pen it didn't make any difference). 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri had never expected much in life. He was born into a middle class family in Japan as an ordinary boy. A loving family that owned an onsen, a traditional Japanese hot bath, since generations and hopefully they were going to maintain it for many more generations to come. He had a happy childhood being surrounded by his family and only friend Yuuko, a girl from the neighborhood, and his ballet instructor and godmother Minako. He hadn't thought about the future much. Of course he hadn't since Yuuri was just a kid. Carefree and naive. He didn't think about stuff that could shutter his world. Burn a deep scar inside of him that would never heal. There was no reason for dark thoughts and there wouldn't be (at least he thought there wouldn't be any reason for it). He would continue to play with Yuuko, help his family out as well as he can for a child and continue his dance lessons with Minako. Sometime in the future Yuuri would visit the school, study hard and visit a university to get a degree in whatever he needed to help out a lot more around the hot bath. He didn't know what he had to study at that time since he was just a kid. Though Minako would tell him she was going to make a dancer out of him because talents like him, not a natural talent, a talent built with a lot discipline, practice and determination, shouldn't go to waste. Though Yuuri didn't get what she meant. He didn't understand what she meant with 'talent' but it wasn’t important to him because he was just a kid. Also he liked dancing so he didn’t mind being a dancer as long as he could spend time with his family and help them out.

Everything seemed easy and he had no worries until Yuuri actually got enrolled into primary school. He had been nervous but still excited. He had hoped to make a lot of friends. No, he was sure he would make a lot of friends by the end of the day, at least get along with his classmates. Yuuko had always talked about how she made a new friend every day and how nice everyone was at school. So Yuuri had been certain he would get along with his classmates and finally make more friends. Since there weren't much kids his age in the neighborhood and he never had left the familiar area Yuuko was his only friend. Even though he liked her a lot he had always wanted to have more friends his age who share his interests. So when his parents took Yuuri to school, and Minako had tagged along to tell them Yuuri was now old enough to attend her ballet class (that had made him so happy since ballet was a big part of his life and he was given a chance to bound with people who had a similar hobby as him), he eagerly ran along the pavement and urged them to hurry up. But nothing had prepared Yuuri for his first day at school. Where he thought he would be greeted by kind classmates, kids his age as nervous and excited as he was, he was met with sneering faces and Yuuri didn't understand why. Did he have something on his face? Was his hair strange? Or were his clothes odd? Well, he wore the same school uniform as his classmates and his mother had made sure it was clean and ironed. His hair was neatly combed and his face was unsoiled. Still Yuuri could feel the stares and hear the sniggering behind his back. But why? He hadn't waited long for the answer. At the end of the day when he was waiting for his parents to pick him up, confused and dejected, his classmate passed by and he heard them. They wanted him to hear them. Their remarks. How they made fun of him.

_Piggy._

_Fatty._

_Porky._

Now Yuuri had known that he was more on the chubby side despite of all the exercises for his ballet education. For some reason it was impossible for him to lose the body fat but it had never bothered him. It had never bothered the people around him, not even Minako and she was his ballet instructor. So hearing people, who he had wanted to befriend, making openly fun of him because of his weight hurt a lot. Yuuri had tried to ignore them. It wasn’t hard to ignore the remarks about his weight and much later the remarks about stuff like his ballet education to stir a reaction out of him. Their words stung deep inside of him but it was okay. Yuuri could endure it. They just wanted to humiliate him and if he as much as twitched, showed any kind of reaction because of them, it would get worse. He was sure of that. He had to endure it. A few years and everything would be fine. He could ignore them and go home to his loving family after school with a smile on his face. It was alright. Yuuri could do it. Or so he had thought. His classmates had grown impatient and more aggressive over the years. Their remarks slowly turning into violence until one day Yuuri found himself pushed down the stairs with a sprained ankle. He hadn't told anyone about the hostility of his classmates towards him. Minako had noticed something was wrong with him but never pried, always telling him she was there for Yuuri if he needed someone to lean into or someone to talk to. He had been grateful and leant into her when it was impossible to endure. Leant into her and cried until his voice was hoarse. Minako never said anything, putting an arm around him and comfortingly rubbing his back while he cried until he was exhausted. Until he fell asleep. This time it was different however. Not only affected a sprained ankle his ballet class but he was physically hurt (well he didn't tell Minako that he got physically hurt before it had never been this obvious before). So she talked; lectured him until he started crying and spilling everything. How it started, how it hurt, how the thought of leaving his room to go to school would make it hard to breath... he had let everything out while Minako held him in her arms and listened. She had cried with him. She had told him everything was going to be alright; that he didn’t have to go to school anymore.

Yuuri was ten when the incident happened and true to Minako's words he hadn't had to go to school anymore. Minako had gotten him a private tutor and his parents even had called a therapist for him. The physician had recommended his parents that he should get a therapy. The physician had noticed how much damage all those years of bullying had left inside of Yuuri. Therefore his parents had called a therapist who visited him at home even after Yuuri had refused to leave the inn. He had tried to leave and go to his new therapist and met him for the first time but as soon as he had put a step outside (he wasn't even outside yet he had stopped before the threshold) he had started to panic and ran back into his room, locking the door behind him. He was gasping for air and didn't let anyone in for almost two days.

His therapist, a man by the name of Araki Ryuichi, was a kind and patient and also a very understanding man. After Yuuri's mother had told him over the phone what had happened, with so much worry in her voice that Yuuri felt guilty, Ryuichi had offered to visit and treat him at home, telling he had experience with patients who couldn't leave their home. He also had told them, Yuuri's parents and Minako, that they should give him time to heal and that they shouldn't pressure him about anything. The healing, the treatment should happen in a pace that Yuuri was comfortable with. Step by step. Even if the circumstance couldn't be any worse Yuuri felt like he had gained another supporter. Ryuichi would visit him almost every day at noon, after Yuuri's classes with his private tutor, and he would talk, play video games or do other activities with Yuuri until it was time for Yuuri's ballet class. He was glad he could continue ballet even though he couldn't go to the official classes anymore. The class had been small, all girls, and Yuuri wasn't really friends with any of them but they at least had been nice to him. Again it was Ryuichi who had told Minako that even if Yuuri couldn't leave the inn currently he should continue to practice ballet and other favorite pastime activities. That it was good for him to have a routine.

It had worked. Even though Yuuri still couldn't go outside he had started smiling again. Not his innocent, carefree smile but a sincere smile. His eyes had started sparkling again with that smile. He was able to talk with the people around him without worrying much. Yuuri had even started helping around the inn again. Sometimes he had trouble talking with the customers but he would talk to them. When he had welcomed Minako with a smile on his face for the first time she was so overjoyed that she had embraced Ryuichi, a complete stranger to her, thanking him while trying to suppress her sobs. Ryuichi had dismissed her gratefulness, telling her to thank him when Yuuri was ready to leave the inn. Ready to start his life. The fears wouldn't disappear, he had said, but Yuuri would learn to live with his fears and cope with them. That had discouraged him at first but he didn’t want to worry his Parents, his sister and Minako anymore than he already did. So he had put on a determined expression, telling Ryuichi to guide him. He had smiled at him and told that he wouldn't leave Yuuri’s side until Yuuri was ready to let him go. At this point Ryuichi was more a friend than a therapist for Yuuri.

When Yuuri turned thirteen it was Ryuichi who introduced him to poetry. It was after an awful panick attack. Minako had told him she was choreographing a school play in her ballet class and Yuuri was getting restless. He hadn't left the house for three whole years and said he wanted to have a part in the play so he would have an actual reason to leave. Minako was hesitant at first but started practicing with him anyways. Yuuri really thought it would work. He thought he could finally go outside and be a kid. Wanting to surprise Ryuichi he hadn't told him anything until the day of the play. He had told Ryuichi to come earlier than usual so he could see how Yuuri would finally leave the house but it backfired. Not only was Yuuri suffocating but he had ruined the play. Even though Minako had said he shouldn't think about it with a sad smile on her pretty face Yuuri couldn't stop the guilt he was feeling. He had locked himself in his room for a few days again and didn’t talk with anyone. Ryuichi had still visited him. He was sitting outside of his door and talked till he had to go. On the last day Ryuichi came with a poetry book. Like the last few days he sat down outside of Yuuri's room and read the beautiful written words on the book. Loudly for Yuuri to hear. It was then that Yuuri finally unlocked the door. He had looked down on Ryuuichi with empty eyes and asked what kind of book that was.

They had started a new routine, reading poetry books until Ryuichi had to go. It was relaxing and step by step Yuuri was starting to open up again. On a night when Yuuri couldn’t sleep because the guilt was eating him out again he had sat down on his desk and started writing. He wrote for the whole night. Wrote what he was feeling without thinking about it. The next day he had showed them Ryuichi. With a shy small on his lips he had hold the stack of paper towards him and asked if they could read them today with a soft and whispering voice. His smile had even grown over the course of the day since Ryuichi had praised him. Praised every poem he had written overnight, encouraging him to write even more. So he did. Yuuri would write every time he felt like drowning and they would read it the next day. Yuuri’s improvement now back before the school play disaster happened.

A few weeks later they had started reading books of different genres and Yuuri had entered his first competition (for poetry at that time). It was his luck that he didn’t have to leave the inn to write. He could do it in the safety of his room. All he needed was a pen and paper and he was good. The first competition was followed by a second then a third until Yuuri lost count. And to his surprise he won. He won all of his competitions. His self-esteem was high enough that he tried himself at other writing styles and other competitions.

Here was he now. After two years of building back a little of his self-esteem, winning one competition after another, finally being able to leave his home, with his first published book. Yuuri had written it in Japanese at first but translated it in English later since he had hoped to reach a little more people but he never imagined his book would became a bestseller. He knew that he was good; it would be an insult to all of his competitors if he didn’t acknowledge this, but he had never thought so many people would want to read and actually _like_ what he had written down. Some nights he would lie in his bed and think about all the people who had read his book and he would feel so embarrassed because they had actually read it. The words he had written. And he would start thinking about all the parts in which he should have put more effort into because _so many_ people have read his book… It, his book, wasn’t even anything special. His book was about a girl from childhood until adulthood with stage fright and a struggling ballet carrier. Minako had helped him with the book. Even if Yuuri was a dancer himself and had a lot of experience in ballet, he didn’t know anything about the path of a ballet carrier. But Minako knew. She had been a ballerina and she had a promising carrier in the past. Winning prizes and being acknowledged as one of Japan’s biggest accomplishments. Minako also was the model for his main character, appearance wise of course since Minako had never struggled with ballet and she didn’t have stage fright. The struggles were Yuuri’s experience. His feelings of never being good enough. Actually this seemed to be the part that had gotten a lot of criticism. People were frustrated that even at the end of the book, at the end of the story, the main character still sold herself short. Downgrading all of her accomplishments. Critics had said that perhaps a love interest was the missing part. But Yuuri knew better. He knew that a love interest couldn’t magically heal her issues; that wasn’t how mental illness worked. Not to mention Yuuri didn’t have any experience with love outside of the love for his family and friends. How should a 15-year old boy with issues write a romance between adults? He didn’t know anything about falling in love and the longing for one person. So Yuuri had quietly slide it down and had tried to not think about that topic. At least for now. Perhaps he could redeem the missing love interest part someday but for now his book was… alright.

 

* * *

 

After Yuuri had put his suitcase into his room; his roommate wasn’t here yet and that was kind of reassuring for him, though he knew now that it was someone by the name of Phichit Chulanont, Minako insisted on showing him around. She had been a student here long ago, studying as a dance major, so she wanted to show of her knowledge a little, ignoring Yuuri’s protest that he wanted to unpack his things first. They were walking around the campus while Minako was talking about the history of the Academia of Arts and took a few pictures with and of Yuuri. He had tried to refuse first but it was for his parents, she had explained, they wanted as much pictures of him and his new surroundings as possible since it would be months until they could see each other again. So Yuuri had let Minako take pictures of him. A blush adorning his still chubby cheeks.

Suddenly Minako had grabbed Yuuri’s wrist and had dragged him behind her in a fast pace. Before he could have asked where she was going she had interrupted him and explained excitedly. "Oh look!! That was my favorite place to go after my classes. The figure skaters were so handsome… I hope that didn’t change!" She was giggling and laughing and Yuuri bit a comment about the age difference back. He knew Minako was joking and kind of reliving her youth when she had been visiting the Academia. Instead Yuuri had glanced around her to see they were indeed walking towards an ice rink. Though he wanted to see the literature department and the dance studios first he had shrugged and let Minako drag him to the rink. They had all day so letting Minako enjoying herself and indulging her in her memories wouldn’t hurt.

Getting closer to the rink Yuuri noticed that a group of people were standing near the main entrance. Well it was a weekday so that were probably the figure skating majors. Yuuri came to a sudden stop, trying to free his wrist from Minako’s hold, now feeling uncomfortable. They hadn’t met anyone (except for the headmaster) the whole day because the students were in their classes so Yuuri had been comfortable walking around the campus. He wasn’t ready to meet other students yet. He had to soon, at the latest tomorrow for his first class. There was plenty of time to get ready, to put him into the right mindset for it, but he couldn’t yet. "Minako-sensei… " Minako had already turned around and gave him a reassuring smile. Of course she had understood before he even said anything.

They had traded places though, Yuuri with his back towards the ice rink and Minako in front of him because she wanted to take a picture of him. Even if there was quite a bit of a distance between him and the students it was the first time he was around such a big group of strangers. She had said his parents would be proud of him and that was enough to convince for him. Yuuri wanted to make them proud, wanted them to see he is alright so they wouldn’t be worried. He had worried them enough already. Accepting this scholarship was also his first step to independency.

After Minako had taken a few pictures of him with the group and the ice rink in the background he asked her to go to the dance studio. She had been delighted when Yuuri chose dance as a second major. Of course she would have preferred for him to choose it as his primary major and became a danseur but the scholarship was because of Yuuri’s writing skills. It was for the literature major and she was thankful he could even choose a second major with a scholarship and that his skills wouldn’t have to suffer without her around. Minako definitely trusted Lilia to not let her Protégé talent and skills go to waste. She would see Yuuri’s talent with just one glance and mold him into an even better dancer. As long as Yuuri’s primary studies wouldn’t suffer. But he was a diligent student. At home he had handled his studies with his private tutor, his ballet practice and his sessions with Ryuichi like nothing. He had even helped around the inn.

"You should take a look around, Yuuri, I’m going to visit an old friend of mine and I’m sure you don’t want to listen to two old hags talking about old days and lost opportunities." Minako had encouraged him with a laugh and went towards, what Yuuri guessed was the office of the department superior. Yuuri felt a little awkward and tried to suppress the distressing thoughts while standing in the middle of the corridor. Worrying his lower lip between his teeth. He took a shaky step towards the studios, the ‘what if’s and distressing thoughts in the back of his mind. Though he was worried for nothing. The corridors were empty and most doors were closed because the different dance classes were held behind them. As long as Yuuri didn’t open them, and he didn’t have a reason to do so, he wouldn’t have to confront any strangers. Any students. The thought that this was a big mistake slowly creeped from the back of his mind to the front and he really needed to either find a pen and paper or, what was likelier, an empty dance studio to let it out.

Yuuri's steps echoed in the empty hallway while he was nervously looking for an unoccupied studio. At the end of the hallway he finally saw it. A door that was unclosed; just a little gap open. He swiftly approached the door, hoping it truly was unoccupied. Though when he had came closer he could hear the music from outside. Disappointed he had wanted to turn around but stilled for a moment. Perhaps a little peek wouldn’t hurt. He didn’t have to interact with anyone and Yuuri was used to make sure he wouldn’t be noticed. He had decided to study here and dance would be in his schedule as well so… Slower than before Yuuri approached with light steps the studio. The music coming from the studio was a gentle whisper with an underlining longing for more. For greater. As he was standing in front of the door, Yuuri took a deep, silent breath before peeked inside. What he saw took his breath away instantly. There in the middle of the studio was the personification of beauty dancing, twirling around him and owning the music with his body in imperfect ballet steps. The danseur had long, shiny, silver hair that was whirling around him with every move and made the alluring image perfect, even with the imperfect steps. Yuuri didn’t know when his hand started clutching his sweater directly over where his heart should be or when his breath started getting faster and heavier. All he knew was that the silver-haired boy, danseur, beauty in a human body, was everything he wanted to be. Even with his flawed moved he had a confidence in his steps Yuuri could never pull off. Worrying his lower lip, Yuuri watched the other practice his routine till the end. And then again, and again, and again… Until Minako had found him and took him to Madame Baranovskaya's office.


End file.
